talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
