I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
