I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
