I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
