Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
there was a trapeze. enough said
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
