Four minutes until I can fart!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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