This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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