and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
