my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
