I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
