I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
