I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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