I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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