you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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