these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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