Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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