Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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