chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
