dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
