happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
