Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
