I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
