Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
