how can u be prego again
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
