Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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