I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
