Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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