I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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