Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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