Got a toothbrush?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
