i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
