i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
