Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
