the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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