final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
love makes seman taste better
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
