My cat gives me a boner
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
