who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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