either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
