i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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