As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
