p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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