I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
