I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
