every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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