The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
