wakey wakey hands off snakey
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
