you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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