So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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