I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
