did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
