i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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